7 keys to becoming higher quality women
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7 keys to becoming higher quality women

By: Mostafa Azzam [FB post]

QUESTION: You once advised, “Ladies, if you become higher quality, you’ll draw higher-quality men.” How do we become higher-quality women?


My specialty is more in how to become higher quality men. That is what I’ve devoted much of my life to, what I’ve developed systems in, and what I coach men on. But based on our work in the community and the patterns I’ve observed and analyzed, I think the following 7 points might be a helpful guideline for women who want to become higher quality:

(1) Begin studying developmental trauma, or complex PTSD, and how to heal. A starting point might be the Body Keeps the Score and the Complex PTSD Workbook. It is not unreasonable to say that developmental trauma is an epidemic, and it is often the underlying issue in emotional, psychological, and relationship issues. Addressing it and undertaking a healing journey should not be underestimated in your aspiration to become a higher-quality woman and a higher-quality human being–with higher-quality relationships.

(2) Start shedding trapped toxic emotions. The Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), or tapping, seems to work wonders for many people. Other shedding techniques include Hale Dwoskin’s Sedona Method and Byron Katie’s “the Work.” My personal favorite is the one I developed: the FACT (the Face-Ask-Choose Technique), but it’s not available publicly. Mindfulness practice is also key. A dear brother, Zuhair Girach, has also developed his own system for releasing toxic emotions, and he has impacted many lives with it: Aafiyah Healing. (Many people go to him for physical pains only to discover that the cause of their pain was, in fact, trapped emotions.)

(3) Begin a journey of self development. For me personally, Jack Canfield’s material changed my life. But there are many other transformational teachers in the field. Brene Brown seems to have a ton to offer women. I will add Marci Shimoff’s book Happy for No Reason here, as it is one of the most transformative resources I’ve ever come across.

(4) Take care of your body. Food, movement, fresh air, posture, rest. And proper breathing: your breath, nafas, is so deeply connected to your sense of self, nafs. If people only realized. I think you’d be shocked how your state can change simply by fixing your breathing. And if you change your state enough, your whole life ends up changing.

(5) Improve your company. If you want to be high-quality, then spend time with high-quality people. Sacrifice toxic, negative people. Cling to people who are so busy working on themselves that they don’t have time to be busy with other people’s business–with rumors, gossip, backbiting, complaining, etc. Become growth-oriented and keep the company of other growth-oriented women. Few things will hold you down like poor company.

(6) Clear out negative unseen effects. Get treated for sorcery, jinn, and evil eye. Don’t dismiss these things; they can have a huge impact on the psyche–and what chance do you stand when your psyche is working against you? Much of personal growth (see point #3) is devoted to mastering your subconscious, mastering your psyche, because of what a huge role it plays in the quality of your life, but not enough people recognize the role that these negative unseen effects play in your subconscious.

(7) And more than all that, keep falling in love with the best of all creation, salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam. In that love is such healing and elevation, if people only realized. I mean a deep love that melts you, and not just the surface love that comes with basic faith. Don’t just love him, be *in love* with him. Salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam. And I personally have not found a more effective way to falling in love with him, salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam, than absorbing the state of someone who is in love with him, salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam–which, of course, ties into point #5.

These are just some points that came to me, which might be overlooked by many people. This is not a comprehensive list. Being consistent with the prescribed prayers, maintaining daily remembrances, having a living relationship with the Qur’an, fulfilling obligations and minimizing contraventions, continuous repentance, and avoiding causing harm–these are all a given. In sha’a Llah.

May Allah elevate you, grant you a great man worthy of you, and make you worthy of a great man. And may you ultimately be a high-quality woman whether or not there is a man in the picture.

And Allah and His Messenger know better, salla Llahu alayhi wa alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam.

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